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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24062242">Ikigai</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Faintsmiles/pseuds/Faintsmiles'>Faintsmiles</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Abuse, Angst, Child Abuse, Eventual Harry Potter/Severus Snape, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, M/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 18:53:28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>11,610</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24062242</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Faintsmiles/pseuds/Faintsmiles</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>With the Order of the Phoenix collecting the Horcruxes slowly but surely, Harry returns to his seventh year at Hogwarts knowing that he must defeat the dark lord soon but with the trauma he experienced at the Dursleys hanging over his head, can he pull it together in time to do what must be done?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter, Harry Potter/Severus Snape, Hermione Granger/Ron Weasley, Luna Lovegood/Ginny Weasley</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>52</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Kogarashi</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>The timeline will be explained as the story develops. I'm still not sure if this is going to be Severus/Harry or Draco/Harry, it depends on the flow of the story. This story also changes a large portion of the canon but these changes will be revealed organically as they become relevant. I hope you enjoy my first contribution here.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ikigai Chapter 1: Kogarashi</p><p>Thin droplets hissed down the foggy windows of the silver sedan trundling its way through the rain-darkened Surrey streets. Tuney stared fixedly at her husband’s white-knuckled hands on the steering wheel, exactly at ten and two, elbows locked as if he was trying to push the thing off of him. Her pinched eyes followed the white knuckles to the thick wrist, then to the puckered elbow, up toward his round shoulder, and finally came to rest on his tense scarlet face. He had done it. He had really done it. </p><p>In the back seat, a heavy-set young man sat with his fist tucked under his chin, brows furrowed in thought. The sound of faint music emanating from the young man’s headphones could just barely be heard over the sound of the deluge, emerging tinny and muffled in the near silence of the car. For a brief moment, the sound of a thin wheeze was audible in the back seat but Dudley Dursley had his headphones in and the only other occupant was resting his head against the window, breath puffing out in slow rhythmic ghosts across the glass. </p><p>The wheeze whined through the air again and the ghost retreated and disappearing behind the boy’s tousled head. There was a pause. A long pause. Then slowly the breath hissed out from between split lips and the ghost danced across the window again. Sharp eyes watched the progress of the misty shadow across that chill surface, taking his mind off of the dull ache in his ribs and the burning of his skin. He pressed his cheek more firmly against the cool window despite the throbbing in his face and the protest from his sore body. </p><p>The car jolted into a pothole and the boy allowed his body to remain slack, not willing to endure the pain of engaging his muscles just yet. There was a jagged inhale as the physical sensation of the impact jolted into Harry’s awareness and the grinding in his torso took his breath away leaving him swallowing over and over again trying to tamp down the rising bile. Once the stifling nausea passed, all that was left was the acrid burn in the back of his throat and nose. </p><p>Harry knew the trip well and it should be over any moment now. He would have to get out of the car, somehow hoist Hedwig and his trunk out of the boot and navigate himself through the busy platform 9¾ and onto the Hogwarts Express. He would have had to fight back tears if he had any left but as it was, he just felt a bone-deep exhaustion so powerful his head spun for a moment as he struggled for control. </p><p>If he could just get to Hogwarts, he would be okay. Hogwarts was the light at the end of the tunnel and he focussed on it with single-minded determination. Hogwarts was full of warm yellow candlelight and fragrant foods and people who laughed and quidditch. He could picture the welcoming feast in his mind so vividly that the corners of his torn lips turned ever so slightly up. </p><p>The car jolted to a halt and there wasn’t a sound aside from the faint, distorted music emanating from Dudley’s headphones and Vernon’s labored breathing, arms still outstretched on the steering wheel, gaze fixed rigidly ahead. Harry steeled himself. </p><p>“Well? Get going,” came Aunt Petunia’s shrill voice, cutting across the muted sounds. She didn’t look back at him but down at her thin hands wrapped tightly around the light blue handkerchief in her lap. After a few long seconds, it became clear that none of the Dursleys had anything more to say to him. Harry felt that hollow place in him ache. </p><p>Moving his limbs made him want to scream. Everything pulled and felt … wrong. His skin hurt, his muscles hurt, his bones hurt, but he opened the car door and stepped out into the chilly rain. Almost instantly he was soaked, rain penetrating his clothes and seeping through his hair almost before he made it to the rear of the car. His slick hands struggled to raise the boot and all he could think about was how badly he needed rest but blessedly his finger pressed the correct indentation and the trunk swung open revealing a ruffled and irate looking Headwig wedged in alongside his massive school trunk. </p><p>He gave Hedwig an apologetic look and set about working her cage free from the vehicle. Just as he was wiggling the cage out, the car horn blared twice and startled Harry so badly that he fell over backward with Hedwig’s cage clutched to his chest and tumbled directly into the overflowing gutter. Hedwig squawked with indignation, wings flapping and feathers plastering themselves to Harry’s already soaked face. He gritted his teeth against the pain when the edge of the cage caught him right in his tender ribs and sent his head reeling again, bright spots dancing in his dangerously blackening vision. He struggled to his feet as quickly as he could manage, wincing the whole way up and leaning heavily on the car for support. </p><p>He only dared to rest a moment, lest Vernon actually just drive off with the boot open, Harry’s trunk in tow. Harry wouldn’t put it past him. Wouldn’t put anything past him anymore really. The familiar melancholy tugged at the edges of his mind. He set Hedwig down on the ground next to his leg and heaved with all his might, just barely managing to clear the lip of the car and let the trunk thud to the ground next to Hedwig. </p><p>He stood there panting for a moment, mind as blank as he could make it. He slipped away for a few seconds, letting his mind perceive this from somewhere else, somewhere not here. There was a short breath and he firmly closed the trunk. The instant the trunk hit the body of the car, the engine gunned to life and the car was gone, spraying dirty water over Harry’s already soaked legs. Hedwig screeched irritably. </p><p>Harry held his hand over his eyes and squinted through the pouring rain, searching from smudge to smudge, looking for the station entrance. Finding a promising seeming blur, Harry began tugging his trunk along behind him, toward the station with Hedwig dangling from his other arm, none too pleased with being jostled like this. </p><p>After what felt like ages, Harry stepped under one of the covered platforms and took his glasses off, trying futilely to wipe them dry. He glared reproachfully at his sopping sleeve. He had nothing dry to clear them up with. He stared down at his ragged frames, water dripping onto the lens from his nose and took as deep an inhalation as he dared, held it a moment, and let it hiss back out, scattering the water droplets clinging to his skin. After a moment he gathered himself and squinted up at the numbers, and by a stroke of luck he was in the right place. Harry hurried toward the wall between the platforms and squeezed his eyes shut as he passed through. </p><p>As soon as Harry’s eyes popped open, the noise roared to life in his ears. There were people walking quickly, shepherding boisterous children here and there and embracing and wiping noses and kissing foreheads. Harry felt a grin rise to his face, he was feeling better already. Harry shuffled to the train, doing his best to protect his ribs as he waded through the people. People stared and whispered as they always did but that was nothing new and as soon as he stepped onto the Hogwarts Express, the smell of the sweets trolly wafted into his face as strongly as if he had stepped into a bakery. His stomach gave an agitated rumble and the small smile on his face grew a little. </p><p>Harry made his way down the rows of compartments, choosing one near the rear of the train, stopping to look helplessly from his trunk to the overhead luggage stow. He hardly felt able to shove the trunk into the compartment, much less hoist it over his head. Exhaustion pulled at his core but his joy at being on his way back to Hogwarts was far too strong. He heaved the trunk into the compartment and followed it with Hedwig’s cage and finally, himself. He collapsed back into the seat as gingerly as he was able, arm cradling his sore ribs. He lay there, breath coming in shallow pants for a long moment. </p><p>Harry used his dangling foot to kick the latches to his trunk free and spring it open. Luckily the trunk still had a rain-repellant charm from last year that managed to keep things mostly dry. The guttural grunt that left him when he leaned forward was completely involuntary and turned to a low hiss of pain as his fingers rolled his wand back and forth trying to gain purchase on it around the mess of his school clothes and loose rolls of parchment from essays past. Finally his fingers closed around the familiar grooves in the wood and he gratefully leaned back. </p><p>‘Just one last thing,’ he thought, pulling himself together as though dragging his mind back to his body through sheer force of will. </p><p>Dredging up every bit of focus his fuzzy mind could offer, Harry flourished his wand and whispered, “Operimentum”.</p><p>A cool sensation washed over his body, closely chased by a shiver down the length of him and Harry felt the strong glamour melt into his skin. He hiked his soaked shirt up around his armpit and all he saw was his own pale abdomen, smooth and completely lacking in black and purple bruises. Harry raised his wand again “Tergeo” he murmured and the moisture was sucked out of his clothes. A yawn threatened to split his aching mouth and cheek in two and he just barely suppressed it as the door to the compartment slid open. A head of silver-blonde hair bobbed into the doorway before it registered who was inside. The two young men blinked owlishly at one another for a beat of awkward silence. </p><p>Harry let the lid to his trunk fall shut with a thunk and worked himself into the corner of the bench-style seat, situated so he was mostly upright, back pressed firmly to the thin cushion behind him and shoulder digging into the smooth metal of the train. </p><p>Malfoy hadn’t moved. He seemed conflicted, taking in the odd scene he had stumbled upon. His own tired eyes rolled smoothly over Potter’s ill-fitting clothing and stiff posture to the trunk taking up nearly the entire floor of the compartment. He gave an exaggerated eye-roll accompanied by a small frustrated exhalation of breath. </p><p>“Luggage goes in the luggage rack Potter,” he sniped, pointing at the overhead rack, though the reprimand lacked its usual high pitched, demanding note. It was flat when he said it, matter-of-fact. Harry’s brow furrowed and he looked the tall boy up and down. Malfoy’s hands were tucked into the folds of his school robes, how had he changed so quickly, and his face was paler than Harry remembered, marked with dark smudges around the eyes. Overall he looked thinner and a bit more haggard than Harry had ever seen him though the prefect badge pinned to the young man’s chest shined proudly regardless. </p><p>Harry’s eyes flicked back up to Malfoy’s “Er, yeah sure, I’ll take care of that,” Harry said guardedly, not possessing the energy for a row and it seemed as though Malfoy didn’t either. The blonde head bobbed twice curtly and he straightened up, hand on the sliding door. </p><p>“See that you do,” He said, sliding the door closed. Harry shook his head minutely at the bizarre interaction and simply scooted carefully down the seat, tucking his arm under his head and cradling his ribs with the other. He was exhausted before he used his magic and now the exhaustion overwhelmed him, tugging him down into a restless sleep marked by strange and uncomfortable nightmares. </p><p>Harry was awake before he opened his eyes, the bump and sway of the train rocking his pain addled body this way and that. Slowly, he became aware of the hushed voices in the compartment. He recognized Hermione’s precise enunciation and quick cadence as well as Ron’s rougher, more colloquial verbiage. He kept his eyes shut and his breathing as even as he could. </p><p>“He must be exhausted, you know his uncle treats him like a house-elf Ron,” Hermione whispered, her voice sympathetic. </p><p>“Yeah, poor guy doesn’t get a break all summer,” Ron replied, followed closely by the crinkling of what Harry could only assume was a sweet wrapper. A smile threatened to give away Harry’s consciousness and he gave an exaggerated yawn, carefully stretching one arm up and scooting to a sitting position. He gave them a tired grin. </p><p>“HARRY!” Ron and Hermione exclaimed in unison, smiles growing on their faces at the sight of his awakening. </p><p>Ron tossed a sweet into Harry’s lap, a chocolate frog, and Harry was instantly reminded of that first day on the Hogwarts Express and the easy friendship that grew between the three of them from that day forward. A true smile split Harry’s face despite the pain in his cheek and mouth and he was reassured that he had done it. He had survived the worst Dursley summer to date and he was truly here with his two best friends on his way home. </p><p>“Ron! Hermione! I’ve missed you guys. The Dursleys were tough this time, made me dig out a tree stump, no magic, how evil is that?” He chattered jovially, arm casually hugged close to his body, supporting his rattling ribs. Ron’s face screwed up in an expression of disgust. </p><p>“Jesus mate, why doesn’t Dumbledore just let mum take you for the summer? He knows they are awful right?” he asked, clearly indignant on Harry’s behalf. </p><p>“Ron don’t be rude they are his family, muggles have to do all sorts of manual labor themselves, without magic. It’s a real inconvenience. My mum used to make me work in the yard with her all day on Sundays, it builds character” Hermione cut in, snatching one of the legs from the chocolate frog squirming in Ron’s hand. Ron glared at her reproachfully. </p><p>“Yeah sure Hermione, you can have some of my chocolate frog, no problem,” Ron drawled facetiously, rolling his eyes at her. </p><p>“I just figured since you already had three of them you wouldn’t miss a leg,” Hermione said with a sly grin, popping the still wiggling limb into her mouth. “Harry, you really should change into your school robes, you slept for ages and we are almost there”.</p><p>“Where’s my trunk?” he asked, scanning the small compartment for the battered trunk and coming up short. </p><p>“In the luggage compartment Harry,” Ron said slowly, jabbing a finger upward with a confused expression “where you put it”. Harry’s eyes rolled skyward and sure enough, the trunk was there, neatly sandwiched between Ron and Hermione’s. </p><p>‘Well that’s odd,’ Harry thought, catching himself before his brows furrowed in confusion. He rubbed the back of his head sheepishly, “I guess I really was tired,” he offered by way of explanation, chuckling with them as they ribbed him about his forgetfulness. Who could have moved the trunk for him and why? He was unsettled at the thought of someone in the compartment where he slept, oblivious to the world, not a single charm or ward to notify him. Mentally, Harry kicked himself, that was the kind of thinking that was going to get him killed or worse. </p><p>Harry slid his wand out of his sleeve and with an easy flourish he was wearing his school robes which were, embarrassingly enough, only slightly too short. It’s hard to have a growth spurt when you didn’t get enough to eat on a regular basis. Now at seventeen years old he was shorter than most girls his age and not to mention how the boys, especially Ron and Draco, now towered over him. They were staring at him, he could always feel people’s eyes on him like an itch. </p><p>“What?” he asked curiously. </p><p>“We just haven’t learned that spell is all,” Hermione said cautiously, “Harry have you been studying on your own?” She continued. </p><p>“Well yeah, I’ve got to finish Voldemort off eventually haven’t I?” He said slowly. They didn’t really think that he could do that moving at the rate their classes were going did they? He, in particular, would need a far more in-depth study of defense against the dark arts than Hogwarts was going to teach him. Feeling genuinely stunned that they hadn’t expected him to prepare at all to save the wizarding world’s collective skins, Harry raised his eyebrows at them. Hermione flicked her wand and put up a silencing spell. </p><p>“Harry, nobody is telling you not to be prepared, I’m just saying that we need to lean on the order and act as if nothing has changed until it’s time. Dumbledore has a plan and we don’t want Voldemort tipped off that something is coming. He has eyes everywhere Harry,” Hermione said nervously, voice thin and strained. </p><p>“Of course, you’re right ‘Mione, I just did a little extra studying is all, nothing that would raise any suspicions,” he said holding his hands up placatingly. “I have to pass my N.E.W.T.s if I want to be an auror anyway right? I never thought <em>you</em> would be telling <em>me</em> not to hit the books,” Harry chuckled casting a wordless finite incantatum and feeling the ward melt into nothingness. Hermione raised her eyebrows appreciatively at his casual use of silent magic before chuckling at his jibe. Ron seemed slightly put out by the current conversation and had his head in his chin, elbow resting sulkily on the lip of the window, watching the blur of rain-drenched landscape fly by. </p><p>“I reckon I’ve got to put in some extra time too. Can’t be the laziest one on team slacker,” He grumbled. Harry tore open the wrapper of the chocolate frog and nibbled on it. His stomach gave a loud growl and he laughed, taking a bite and wrapping up the rest of the treat in the wrapper before shoving it into his pocket. His stomach was still very delicate and likely to reject such a rich treat. </p><p>By the time Harry had the wiggling chocolate secured in the inner pocket of his robes, the train was slowing to a halt, pulling into Hogwarts. With some sleep under his belt and some sugar in his system, Harry no longer felt like he would pass out at the slightest provocation. The previous night had been rough. Harry skirted that memory with practiced ease, pushing it back into the box it belonged in before the vivid, full-color movie reel could blossom into the forefront of his mind. A minute shudder ran down his spine and Harry pressed his arm into the broken ribs, wincing with the pain it caused but protecting it from the press of black-robed bodies all jostling for the front of the train. </p><p>Harry had fallen a few paces behind his friends and the sea of students had filled in the gap but he could still see his friend’s red-haired head bobbing a few people away. He had gotten even taller over the summer, Hermione too he supposed. He sullenly wished for a few more inches himself as he emerged onto the platform. Hagrid was to his right, calling out in a booming voice, “First years with me!” his large fist clutching the rope tied to the boat to take the children across. Harry shot him a grin he wasn’t sure Hagrid could see but he must have because moments later the half-giant was shouting over the din at him. </p><p>“Welcome back Harry! Hope you ‘ad a good summer!” he bellowed between ushering a hundred eleven-year-olds into the swaying boats. </p><p>“I’m glad to be back!” Harry shouted over his shoulder as he struggled to catch up to Ron and Hermione, muscles protesting every step of the way. Ron was holding the carriage for him with one foot on the runner and the other on the ground, waiting for his friend to catch up. Harry smiled “Thanks,” he said, putting his hand on Ron’s shoulder to hoist himself up. </p><p>“Right,” Ron said amiably and climbed in after him. It was a bit weird watching the thestral’s swaying back knowing that Ron and Hermione couldn’t see them at all despite having some notion that they existed and were there pulling them toward the school. </p><p>“I don’t look forward to a term with Malfoy of all people as a perfect,” Ron grumbled irritably, fiddling with the loose threads on his second, or perhaps third, hand robes. </p><p>“Actually, I ran into him in the compartment before you guys arrived and he seemed run down, didn’t even start anything,” Harry offered thinking back on the brief and strange interaction. The young man had seemed impossibly tired and lacking his usual nasty attitude, he had seemed… flat, like he was lacking something important. He looked a bit like Harry felt inside, beneath the easy smile and the casual mannerisms he kept up to avoid worrying the people around him. </p><p>“Is it too much to hope for that he is too ‘run down’ to be a git all year?” Ron grumbled, looking sullenly out across the grounds. </p><p>“I think everyone has a bit too much on their minds right now to be focussed on some petty school-boy feud,” Hermione said, speaking far more sense than Ron wanted to hear at the moment. Luckily, the carriage came to a bumpy stop in front of the castle and the trio disembarked hastily, ready for the welcoming feast. </p><p>From a few carriages away, Harry caught sight of Malfoy rounding up the stragglers and herding them toward the main steps of the castle. He was taller than Harry had originally thought, standing a head or so above the other students with his back pin-straight, no doubt some vestige of his cushy pureblood upbringing.</p><p> Harry rolled his eyes subtly and wondered why Malfoy had passed over the chance to antagonize him in that train compartment. It didn’t make sense but Harry wasn’t willing to look a gift horse in the mouth and he would take whatever breaks he was offered. His broken ribs ached terribly and Harry had no more time for contemplation. He turned his attention to his two friends’ backs and followed them dutifully up the stairs and into the castle. </p><p>The entryway was glowing with warm candlelight and Harry felt his aching body relax a fraction. He had made it to the light at the end of his tunnel, at seventeen he would never have to go back to the Dursleys. He felt like weeping with sheer relief. </p><p>If his eyes were a bit glassy when Ron and Hermione turned to usher him through the doors of the great hall, they both gracefully ignored it.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Kurushimi</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Chapter 2: Kurushimi</p>
<p>It was just as he had remembered, his well-worn mental picture of the packed great hall settled seamlessly atop the image Harry was soaking in. Glittering candle-light, hundreds of chattering students, and a sea of black robes all ensconced in a thin bubble of anticipation. Harry couldn’t stop the smile that grew on his face despite his discomfort and the throbbing of his body. Hogwarts was Hogwarts regardless of how much everything else changed and the comfort Harry derived from that was… immense. </p>
<p>The three gryffindors made their way through the throngs of students jockeying for seats next to their friends at the long tables. Ron snagged the first of three empty places and pointed to his left urgently, grinning like a loon, his prior mood washed away by the excitement of the feast. Hermione smiled back and carefully tucked herself into the seat next to Ron, patting the last chair and giving Harry a warm look which he returned by reflex. </p>
<p>As Harry settled down into the chair, his muscles immediately protested the hot streak of pain that shot up his spine. Harry’s teeth snapped together involuntarily trapping the gasp that wanted to escape his slightly parted lips. He struggled to keep his face neutral and knew he was failing, eyes squinting slightly, jaw tense enough to spark frissons of pain through his cheek. Shite, Hermione was looking at him with eyes too tender, hand half raised, reaching out to him. He struggled to rearrange his face into an expression that wouldn’t make her look like that, it was hurting his chest. </p>
<p>Hermione leaned in close, “Harry, are you okay?” she whispered, her hand descending to his knee under the table. He was unable to stop the reflexive jerk as she made contact and the concern in her face grew. His eyes flicked to the table, unable to look at her for too long with that expression on her face. </p>
<p>He forced a smile, “Yeah, just a little sore from stump-pulling,” he whispered back, subtly shifting his leg from under her hand and catching it in his. He placed her the ink-stained hand on the table rubbing the back of it with his thumb soothingly. “Few days taking it easy and I’ll be right as rain,” he added casually, rubbing the back of his head and trying to look light and casual while lying through his teeth but honestly what was he supposed to tell her? ‘Yeah Hermione, just fine, only feeling the aftermath of,’ No, no, that wasn’t supposed to just come out and walk in the daylight whenever it wished. His breathing quickened the smallest bit. ‘Nothing, the aftermath of nothing,’ he thought firmly, mentally adding a sticking charm to the lid of the box.</p>
<p> He took a hissing breath in through his nose and slowly let it out, feeling the familiar haze settle over him like a cool fog rolling in. His breathing evened out to something more normal and his muscles started to relax. Hermione nodded, top lip worrying the bottom and giving Harry a half-smile before turning to talk to Ron. </p>
<p>His body still hurt and he still felt awful for making Hermione worry but it felt like all of the painful stuff had a muffilato charm cast on it, giving Harry just enough room to breathe. He rested there for a moment, just breathing and regaining control of himself while his eyes roved the room and the other tables of their own accord. </p>
<p>Dimly he noted that Draco Malfoy was not surrounded by classmates clamoring for his attention as he had been every year prior. This year he sat at the end of the Slytherin table, at least two empty spaces between him and the next student. His head was perched atop a pale hand, fingers curled thoughtlessly against his cheek looking for all the world like he found the whole fuss to be the most mundane experience. The other slytherins seemed to treat him with the same cool distance he gave them. Strange. </p>
<p>With a start Harry realized that Dumbledore was stepping down from the shining gold dais and he must have missed the entire welcome speech. Just as the realization sunk in he found himself slammed painfully back to full awareness, he was instantly acutely aware of the pain shooting up his spine and how every breath was accompanied with intense pain followed by a faint grinding sound. He could feel a high pitched keening sound trying to escape his chest and fought like hell to keep it inside the battered cage of his ribs. That had never happened before, being forced back to reality so abruptly he almost screamed. </p>
<p>He turned his hands over in his lap, staring stupidly. They trembled. He clenched them into fists and looked away, searching for a distraction. His eyes landed on the long table at the head of the room behind the dais and the Professors who were clapping politely as Dumbledore made his way back to his chair, eyes twinkling and good-naturedly waving off the house-elf who materialized to pull his chair out for him. Looking at Dumbledore made his chest hurt too. </p>
<p>‘Whatever it takes,’ rose unbidden to his mind in loose looping script. Dumbledore’s script. Harry’s heart rate kicked up. God why was the box so full now. Just as he felt he was about to come unstitched, like a gift from above, the feast appeared before him wafting the savory smell of roast chicken and garlic potatoes. Before Harry could go to pieces, his stomach gave an embarrassing gurgle and stopped the rising panic in its tracks, all he could do was ignore the fact that his eyes were about to overflow and shove a perfectly seasoned chicken leg into his mouth. He locked eyes with Ron around Hermione’s voluminous hair realizing that he was doing the same thing. The two dissolved into light-hearted laughter, Harry doing his best to avoid the intrusive pain in his chest.</p>
<p>“Harry, how was your summer?” Ginny Weasley asked from across the table. She was peering at him over the top of a mound of steamed carrots and seemed to be greatly enjoying the warmth from the mug she cradled in her calloused hands. She must have been practicing quidditch with her brothers heavily over the summer. Good, she had real talent. </p>
<p>“You know, same as usual with the Dursleys, work work work, gotta earn my keep I guess,” The words stung bitterly on his tongue, ‘Earn your keep,’ his mind echoed mockingly. “They made me dig out a whole tree stump myself, without magic,” he screwed up his face into a woeful expression as though remembering the experience was uncomfortable, it was, but for other reasons he couldn’t think about too deeply. </p>
<p>“That’s pretty medieval of them. Sorry it wasn’t ‘like totally the best summer ever’,” Ginny replied, taking on a mocking tone. Her eyes pointedly rolling to where Lavender Brown was regaling the Patil twins with stories of her own ‘best summer ever’. There was a mischievous shine to the youngest Weasley’s eyes and they shared an amused smile. </p>
<p>“Yeah well, summers with the Dursleys were never the ‘best ever’,” Harry said, smile turning a little sad. “At least now that I’m seventeen I don’t have ever go back,” He tried to say it lightly and match the tone of the conversation but there was a definite bite to the statement that he couldn’t hide. He was damn glad he never had to go back to those people. Harry was grateful for the way that Ginny’s eyes didn’t go soft and coddling, she merely regarded him with thinly veiled curiosity for a few moments. </p>
<p>“Well there’s that now isn’t there,” She said, bringing the mug to her lips pensively. </p>
<p>“Yeah, though I reckon I might get fat now,” Harry joked darkly. </p>
<p>“Might not be the worst thing, and you’ve got quidditch still. Speaking of which, the season doesn’t start for a week or so and I know the boys would be willing to put together a few pickup matches to knock the rust off your broom if you’d like,” she offered slyly, the challenge hardly concealed. Harry was nodding before he could stop himself. Ribs be damned, he could wrap them tightly and fly with his friends if necessary. He’d just have to be careful not to fall off his broom. </p>
<p>“That’d be brilliant, I’m sure I’ll need it,” He admitted. </p>
<p>“I’ll put it together then,” Ginny replied, a small smile on her lightly freckled face. </p>
<p>The feast wrapped up uneventfully save for the fact that Harry couldn’t quite shake the sense that someone was watching him. The back of his neck prickled uncomfortably but he couldn’t pinpoint who was doing the watching with several hundred people all packed into the same room. It was disconcerting. </p>
<p>The students marched dutifully to their common rooms, ushered by prefects up the winding stairs that kept moving under their feet. After a few painful stumbles due to the motion of the huge stone stairs, Harry finally found his footing and his body began to remember how to counteract the swaying. He desperately needed some alone time to fully assess his injuries. The portrait of the fat lady was a welcome sight and he climbed through the portrait hole anxious to find somewhere to lick his wounds in private. </p>
<p>The students were settling in, pulling out books and nestling into cushy chairs by the cheerily popping fire, finding partners for exploding snap or wizard’s chess. The dull rumble of conversation punctuated by the popping of the fire relaxed something inside him and for some reason his eyes filled with tears. They didn’t fall but the feeling was strong. He was here. He was safe inside Hogwarts wards and thick stone walls. </p>
<p>“I’m absolutely knackered,” Harry said with an exaggerated yawn as Ron approached him with a chessboard. “I’ll see you guys in the morning though yeah?” He added at Ron’s crestfallen expression. </p>
<p>“Yeah mate, get some rest,” Ron said, trying to keep the disappointment out of his voice. It seemed to be easily forgotten though as he had turned away and started toward Seamus waving the board to get his attention. </p>
<p>Harry hurried over to the trunk at the end of his familiar four-poster bed, opening it up and digging to the bottom, brushing aside broken quills and rolls of parchment before his fingers closed on the cool silk of the invisibility cloak. He tugged it free and wound it around himself, a small smile tugging at one corner of his mouth as the memories in the cloak brushed his mind. As an after-thought, he tugged the curtains of the bed closed tightly, hoping Ron would tell the other boys that he had already gone to sleep. </p>
<p>Closing his trunk with a dull thunk, he turned around and made his way back down the stairs past Hermione who was nestled into an oversized chair with her nose nearly touching the page of a thick leather-bound tome. As Dean Thomas crawled into the common room through the portrait hole, Harry slipped out around him and into the chill empty hall. </p>
<p>It was deserted, all of the students right where they were supposed to be in the warmth of the common rooms. Harry turned left and started off, keeping his footfalls as quiet as possible. He ran his hand along the stone, fingers dipping into the rough valleys and sliding over the peaks in the wall, their imperfection a comfort to him for some reason. </p>
<p>He descended several sets of stairs from Gryffindor tower, idly watching the people in the paintings donning sleeping hats and tugging pillows into their frames. Even Emeric Switch was settling in for a night’s rest beneath a table sagging under the remains of a feast. Harry chuckled quietly and hurried on to the seventh floor. Just opposite the painting of a dozing Barnabus the Barmy and his trolls in tutus stood an expanse of bare stone wall. Just what Harry had been searching for. </p>
<p>Harry paced past the naked wall one way, concentrating hard on his need to tend his wounds. He about-faced and strode back the other way, footsteps echoing down the empty hall. When he reached where he started, he turned again, passing the blank expanse for the third and final time, back and ribs aching from the long day and lack of rest. A door no larger than a matchbox appeared at the bottom of the stones, growing slowly until it could fit a small dog, then a child, and finally a person. Harry grasped the knob and swung the door open. </p>
<p>It swung smoothly inward and Harry stepped inside. It was the room of requirement but this configuration was new. Most immediately, Harry could see a small table with the makings of tea ready to be brewed, an overstuffed loveseat in front of a modest fireplace and a large bookshelf. The invisibility cloak whooshed as he tugged it off and slung it over the back of the loveseat, kicking the door behind him closed. </p>
<p>It had vague hints of the gryffindor common room mixed with several other places that had at one point or another made him feel comfortable, the tea set was reminiscent of the one at the Weasley house he noted. There was a smallish door that lead into a bathroom that featured a massive clawfoot tub full of pink-tinted water and a sink with a round mirror that swung outward like a muggle medicine cabinet. He rested his hand on the rim of the porcelain tub. It was warm underneath his fingers and steam rose gently from the pleasant smelling water. </p>
<p>Harry shucked off his worn-through trainers and unwound his robes from his shoulders letting them fall to the ground thoughtlessly. He wormed his way out of the slightly too short trousers and they joined the robes on the floor. Before long he was standing naked before the mirror. The glamour had done its job. He was all smooth skin and lean muscle, nary a bruise or mark in sight. Harry heaved a sigh, “Finite incantatem,” he mumbled and the glamour melted away. </p>
<p>He winced at the image in the mirror. He was sorely regretting not focussing more on healing magic during his extracurricular study. He was thin, far too thin and his skin was sallow and pale. His cheek was the sickly green color of healing bruises and was swollen almost to the point of obscuring his pinched eye. There was a disconcerting red where his eye was supposed to be white and he supposed the strike had burst a blood vessel. He prodded his cheek experimentally, wincing when it produced a buzzing pain that reached down toward his jaw. The broken rib looked nasty, displaced as it was with a lump where it protruded from the otherwise smooth plane and covered in black and purple bruising. His lips were swollen and torn. Running down his thighs were thin, raised red lines each two inches apart, skin split on a few from the impact. </p>
<p>His heart started to pick up speed as he struggled to keep his thoughts where they belonged. His wrists were ringed with angry red and purple marks matching the ones around his ankles. ‘From the restraints,’ his mind added unhelpfully. The view in the mirror blurred temporarily and Harry scrubbed a hand across his eyes, trying to ignore the sparks of pain in his cheek. The flesh wounds were healing, albeit slower than he usually healed but his magic was doing what it could for its vessel. His heart was galloping in his chest now. This was going to hurt and he had better do it before he got into that bath or he might actually drown himself. </p>
<p>Harry fished his wand from the pile of clothes on the floor and sunk down, back against the tub. Aiming the wand at the lump of the broken rib poking out of his side, “Episky,” he gritted through clenched teeth. As soon as the spell passed his lips Harry screamed with pain, his vision going white quite suddenly and the wand rolling from his fingertips across the cool floor of the room of requirement. </p>
<p>He wasn’t sure how long it had been when he came back to his senses. Had he passed out? That seemed to be the case. As he came to, he became aware of a persistent gagging sensation and struggled to the toilet tucked into the corner. He had no say in emptying the entire contents of the welcoming feast directly into the porcelain bowl. Every heave putting unwanted pressure on the freshly set rib and worsening the nausea that had overtaken him. Harry spit sour bile into the toilet irritably. He hated vomiting, it made him feel weak and shaky and made him crave a kind of physical comfort he had never had. </p>
<p>Still fighting the stars dotting his vision, Harry struggled unsteadily to his feet. The pain in his rib was no longer the dull throb and ache of a healing bone, it was fresh and sharp and enough to make him want to howl like a wounded animal. Instead, he gritted his teeth despite the pain from his cheek and lifted himself carefully into the steaming water. It was hot enough to burn like a manticore sting on the open wounds that littered his body as he slowly lowered himself into the massive tub. </p>
<p>He was slightly dizzy from the heat or the pain he wasn’t exactly sure at the moment but he wasn’t sure it mattered. After a few minutes, his body acclimated to the temperature and Harry could actually feel the heat of the water helping to relax his abused muscles though he had to keep shifting this way and that to avoid putting pressure on painful places. The smell of the water was nice and he finally had some privacy. As he lolled his head back over the edge of the tub, he was assaulted with the memory of long-fingered hands wrapped around his throat, squeezing the breath from him. He swallowed hard and leaned his head up quickly, the memory dematerializing as quickly as it had appeared. </p>
<p>Despite his clenched jaw, despite his fisted hands, despite every part of his body fighting it, hot tears began slipping down his cheeks and into the water. He sat like that for a long time, the water never cooled around him. </p>
<p>Outside the room of requirement, stood two young women hand in hand, looking at the blank wall. “Why won’t it open up?” Ginny Weasley demanded in a huff, glaring at the bare stone wall. The soft hand in her own squeezed gently. </p>
<p>“I’d say someone with far more wrakspurts than you or I had need of it,” Luna Lovegood replied airily, turning to tug Ginny the other direction, toward the astronomy tower. “The castle has plenty of places for those who don’t want to be found,” she added. Ginny flushed and swore she could hear the smile in the other girl’s voice. With a slightly hysterical giggle, she noticed that Luna wasn’t wearing shoes, her pale feet soundless on the aged stone floors. </p>
<p>Up and up they went, climbing the winding staircases, every so often Luna would urgently tuck them behind a suit of armor or into a shadowed alcove as the patrolling teachers made their rounds, she had an eerily good sense for knowing when they were about to cross paths with one. Every time Luna folded herself against Ginny, her heart raced and her arms ached to encircle the smaller girl and hold her close but she settled for holding her hand tightly and inhaling the faint bergamot scent that clung to the girl’s wild silver hair. </p>
<p>They had been writing each other since last term, long letters full of things nobody else cared to listen to. Ginny spilled out her insides with ink on parchment and Luna had greedily devoured the letters much to her father’s confusion as Xenophillius Lovegood had little insight on the subject of raising a young woman. Not that Luna held it against him since her mother had gone she had been taking care of him more than he looked after her. Her father was brilliant but functionally not the most adept. He could write an entire dissertation on the preservation of the niffler’s natural habitat but might just burn the house down making tea. </p>
<p>Ginny came to admire the girl’s resilience and ability to stay soft and open through grief that she had seen turn others wicked and hard. Arriving back at Hogwarts and catching sight of Luna clad in garish purple glasses with tails rising from either eye and a home knit shawl over her school robes had been the highlight of Ginny’s entire year. They had spoken briefly after the feast and arranged to visit the room of requirement after only to find it occupied. </p>
<p>Luckily Luna knew the castle possibly better than Filch himself and her preternatural knowledge of the presence of the professors ensured that they made it to the astronomy tower in no time. They both were panting and pink in the cheeks from the climb but matching smiles brightened their faces. She wished she could take Luna into the gryffindor common room and curl up on the cozy couches while they talked but unfortunately the other gryffindors could be a bit mean with their teasing of ‘loony luna lovegood’. </p>
<p>Ginny scowled, she’d like to see them say that while she was around. Luna easily pulled her from her unhappy thoughts by pulling out the latest edition of the Quibbler and settling down with her back to the stone barrier separating them from the sheer drop to the quidditch pitch below. The vast clear sky above them reached out seemingly endlessly and she settled in next to the sleight young woman, peering over her shoulder at the vibrant glossy pages of the magazine. </p>
<p>“Tell me again about the drekswan,” Ginny prompted gently, surreptitiously examining Luna’s delicate elfin features and luminous blue eyes far too large for her face. Ginny’s cheeks flushed. </p>
<p>“Oh yes, the drekswan are tiny tiny little fairies who are attracted to the smell of love,” Luna started, fully engrossed in giving Ginny the most thorough and animated description as she was able, dreamy smile never leaving her face.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Utagai</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Chapter 3: Utagai</p>
<p>His arms ached, shoulders burning in the sockets as they stretched far above his head, the tips of his toes scrabbling over the cool tile trying to take the weight off of his arms. He couldn't see. Something was pulled low over his face, tickling his top lip and fully obscuring his vision.</p>
<p>"Are you ready to be nice Harry-James?" Came a voice from the blackness. It was a smooth voice, mid-range, a tiny bit higher than he had expected from a man. Maybe a tenor rather than bass. His bladder was full to bursting, an insistent pressure in his lower stomach and he squirmed weakly, seeking relief but only swaying erratically from side to side a few inches. The gag bit into the corners of his mouth and he tried to respond.</p>
<p>"Mfph thuh," He drooled out around the balled up sock crammed into his mouth, trying to choke him with every barely pulled breath. He was packing himself away, using a fine pair of shears to snip 'Harry' away from the rest of his consciousness. Each piece removed and tucked away felt like a layer of gauze between his mind and his body. Each little snip separated Harry from Harry-James and things got easier moment by moment until he was watching himself through a tunnel thick with fog. Dimly he was aware of the gag being removed and little rivers of spittle oozing down his chin. His arms burned so horribly, he had to get down. There was only one way to get down.</p>
<p>"I said, are you ready to be nice Harry-James?" The voice came again, this time a subtle edge of warning to the words. Harry was acutely aware of the blood trickling slowly down his thighs and arse from the raised welts left hours ago.</p>
<p>"Yes Sir," Harry-James breathed demurely, even as a long stream of drool escaped around the words, his eyes were cast down, not daring to look the man in the face even through the blindfold.</p>
<p>"Then show me Harry-James, show me how nice you want to be to me," The voice spoke quicker now, breathier with excitement. Harry shuddered but Harry-James parted his split lips and let his tongue wet them slowly and languorously. The chain tightened painfully and dug into his thin wrists for a few long moments before his full weight was dropped on his unprepared feet. His knees buckled, unused to holding his own weight. The burning in his shoulders increased tenfold with the rough return to a neutral posture and he was briefly unsure if he would be able to use his arms at all. Tears welled up in his eyes and were quickly wicked away by the cloth blindfold.</p>
<p>"I'm waiting Harry-James. Show me how grateful you are. Show me what a sweet boy you can be," The voice crooned from a few feet away. The tile was cold on his feet and shins as he forced his body to its hands and knees. His abused arms shook violently to be taking his meager weight after such punishment but there was no choice, 'whatever it takes," floated through his disjointed mind, that flowing lazy script scrolling through his brain over and over again like a movie theater marquee.</p>
<p>He arched his spine, forcing his movements to be fluid, cat-like he moved his arms slowly in opposition to each other, slinking toward the sound of the voice with practiced, sensual movements. Knees grinding painfully into the grout between the tiles, shoulders alive with the burning sensation of torn muscle fibers.</p>
<p>"Talk to me Harry-James, tell me how you are going to apologize," The voice eked out, breathless. He could only imagine how he must look, blindfolded as he was. Whatever he was doing, it must be working by the sound of Sir's voice. Harry rolled his eyes internally, externally not daring to despite the blindfold obscuring his face. One hand, one knee. Other hand, other knee. He felt the fabric of the man's pant leg and pressed his face into it, following the leg down to the foot.</p>
<p>"I'm so sorry Sir. I'll do better. I want to please you. Just give me another chance." Harry-James begged. Harry snorted at the throaty tone in his voice, hating the play-acting for what it was.</p>
<p>"Mmhmm, good boy Harry-James. You know what to do," Sir hummed down at him, putting a hand down to ruffle the unruly black mess of overgrowth on his pet's head. Harry-James had the audacity to let out a keening sound of fear masked with just enough pleasure to convince Sir of his complete servitude before slowly lowering his face to the man's shoe. It was a nice shoe, leather with the name of the maker scored into the tongue of the boot, and at least it was clean this time.</p>
<p>He laid small closed-mouth kisses atop the smooth leather, shoulders aching from holding the bent position. "You can do better than that Harry-James," Sir said, warning creeping into his voice. Harry-James didn't even respond, he simply switched to open-mouthed kisses, letting his tongue pass in broad swipes over the high-end leather.</p>
<p>The shock of the kick to his face sent Harry-James reeling and tumbling over and over again until he made uncomfortable contact with the cold wall, a dull thunk echoing through the room. Somehow during the tumble, his blindfold had ridden up to his upper nose, and Harry could peek from under the cloth. Those leather shoes were walking slowly toward him.</p>
<p>"Harry-James, you'll have to do better than that to convince me that you truly want forgiveness and not simply an end to the punishment," The shoes moved ever closer. Tapping on the hard tile. Tap. Tap. Tap. His face stabbed with sharp needles of pain and warmth started spreading through his lower body. It was pleasant until he realized his bladder had reached its limit and he had pissed all over himself.</p>
<p>Harry came too curled on the loveseat in the room of requirement, smelling of urine and fear. His heart was about to hammer out of his chest and his face burned with shame. The box couldn't keep the memories from haunting his dreams when his waking mind wasn't able to keep them where they belonged. A long shudder passed through him and he vanished the mess he had made with a flourish of his wand. He still felt the lingering warmth and was disgusted by it but it was presumably almost time for him to be awake and Ginny was still trying to put together a pick-up match for them today.</p>
<p>Very carefully, as he was still extremely sore from resetting his rib the previous night, Harry made his way into the bathroom and pulled the mirror toward him. With a small click it swung forward and revealed a very basic first aid kit. It contained antibacterial ointment, bandages, all of the muggle wound-care things he remembered filching from the Dursley's medicine cabinet in tiny amounts so as not to be noticed. Quickly as he could manage, Harry daubed some antibacterial ointment on the open wounds littering his skin and carefully wound the cloth bandages around his torso, eyes watering as he pulled them tight. He would need the support.</p>
<p>He gingerly slipped back into his school robes and hoped his absence from the gryffindor dormitory hadn't been noticed yet. Once he had dressed appropriately, Harry turned and swept the room with his eyes, trying to make sure he wasn't forgetting anything. Assured that he was in possession of all of his belongings, he turned to leave before remembering that he hadn't renewed his glamour. Despite his magic working overtime and making him feel bloody exhausted, he wasn't anywhere near healed enough to forgo the charm.</p>
<p>"Operimentum," he whispered, shuddering as the strange cool feeling settled over him. Harry turned his hands over and pulled his sleeves up. No newly healing scaly skin, just the smooth tan from his time working in the Dursley's lawn. He let out a morbid chuckle containing no real mirth and turned, snagging his invisibility cloak from the back of the loveseat and leaving the room of requirement. The door shut almost soundlessly after him and rapidly shrunk down to nothing, finally popping out of existence and leaving nothing but a stretch of bare stone hallway in its wake.</p>
<p>Harry silently thanked Merlin that the room of requirement existed among Hogwarts many rooms. He had gotten a couple hours of good sleep in before the shadowy tendrils of the nightmare had crept into his dreams and eventually woke him covered in urine, cold sweat, and a palpable feeling of shame. Harry grimaced and self-consciously wiped his damp palms over the lap of his pants. It was dry but he could have sworn he still felt a bit damp against his leg.</p>
<p>The invisibility cloak still engulfed him without Ron's height to account for and he headed toward the common room, hurried steps muffled under the cloak. He couldn't help but chuckle at the paintings as their occupants stretched and removed nightcaps, several waiting in line at one of the rare depictions of a bathroom as the elderly wizard at the sink struggled to maintain control of his toothbrush. The toothpaste spattered the mirror and the entire line of people grumbled irritably in unison. Laughter bubbled from his lips and the occupants of the painting looked around wildly, searching for the source of the noise and finding only an empty hallway much to Harry's immense amusement.</p>
<p>After a brisk walk and a couple of belly laughs he ambled up to the Fat lady and leaned quietly by the painting, waiting for the earliest risers to come shuffling sleepy-eyed through the portrait. The invisibility cloak tickled his nose terribly and he barely suppressed a sneeze just in time for the portrait to swing open, closely followed by a yawning Seamus. Harry seized the moment and slid through the portrait hole quiet as a mouse, nearly tripping over Ginny who came rushing past unexpectedly from behind him.</p>
<p>He stumbled out of the way and very nearly careened into one of the plush armchairs just barely catching his balance with one hand holding the chair steady. Ginny half jogged to the steps leading to the girls' dormitory, her ginger head bobbing up the stairs quickly. Harry looked down and realized that he had nearly fallen into Neville Longbottom who was cradling a steaming cup of coffee and gazing blearily at a potions text.</p>
<p>Harry exhaled carefully and skirted the long red couch, following Ginny's lead and jogging up the stairs, careful to keep his steps light and soundless. He was greeted with Ron's usual chainsaw snores and cracked a smile, tip-toeing to the bathroom. With the door safely shut he palmed his face, dragging the cloak off. No longer in a rush, Harry took his time brushing his teeth, far preferring the spearmint flavor to the acrid taste of last night's vomit in the back of his throat.</p>
<p>Right on time, he recognized the lack of Ron's snoring and the beginning of the grumbling that came with his awakening every morning. He smiled around his toothbrush for a moment before spitting into the basin and wiping his mouth on a small towel next to the sink. He ran a hand through his woefully overgrown hair. It tickled at his nose and the tendrils curled at his neck, tickling him incessantly throughout the day. He huffed out a breath and his fringe lifted mockingly.</p>
<p>After several severing charms the wild mess on his head remained unchanged. The charm would cleanly remove a few inches only for it to spring back to its previous length, Harry gave up and opened the door to meet Ron. He would have to be careful and keep it light this time, the pain of throwing up with a broken rib was fresh in his mind.</p>
<p>"Harry?" Ron asked blearily, rubbing his eyes and squinting in his pajamas.</p>
<p>"Ron, hurry up we're gonna miss breakfast," Harry said, holding the bathroom door open and stepping to the side. The way his eyes snapped open, it was as if something activated in Ron's brain at the mention of food and he shouldered past a grinning Harry.</p>
<p>"Well move then, can't miss the first breakfast back at Hogwarts," He grumbled irritably despite his newfound awareness. Harry let the door fall shut and meandered back to the common room to wait for his friend. With a start, he realized that Neville was the only one left other than Harry and Ron, those who showered at night having already cleared out.</p>
<p>"Oh, hey Neville, had a good summer?" Harry asked good-naturedly, striding over and taking a seat on the corner of his still made bed.</p>
<p>"Huh? Oh, pretty good, Gran got me the advanced herbology books I needed for Professor Sprout's class thank goodness. I wasn't sure she would after she saw my potions marks from last term," Neville said sheepishly, one hand going up to his left eyebrow and rubbing worriedly at it, clearly not having forgotten the melted cauldron and singed hair. He gripped the potions book Harry had seen him studying earlier loosely in his opposite hand.</p>
<p>"But Harry, I-I noticed you weren't in the dormitory last night and I just wanted to make sure y-you were okay," He stuttered, face scarlet and eyes fixed firmly on his lap, clearly very uncomfortable but still making the effort to check in with his friend.</p>
<p>"Yeah Neville, I was just a bit nauseous so I paid Madame Pomfrey a visit," Harry lied easily, hating that he had no physical reaction to blatantly lying to his friends anymore. He used to be an awful liar but that was before… For what felt like the millionth time in the past twenty-four hours, Harry stopped the musing in its tracks and wholly aborted the entire thought.</p>
<p>Neville's eyes roamed Harry's open honest expression, the relaxed eyes, no tension around his mouth, and seemed to accept the answer all in a matter of seconds. He always could suss out something fishy, especially where his friends were concerned. Harry was struck with the sudden odd thought that Neville would have fit in well with the Hufflepuffs, they all had an eerie way of just knowing when something wasn't right.</p>
<p>"Yeah, well, I hope you feel better Harry, Hogwarts meals really shouldn't be missed, makes you feel all warm and fuzzy. I'm half-convinced they slip pepper up potions into the food," Neville said, a shy smile lingering at the corners of his kind mouth. Harry opened his mouth to agree.</p>
<p>"Harry. Food," Ron said, still not to the point of full sentences. The gangly redhead let out a huge yawn, making Harry the slightest bit jealous. One hand automatically cradling his aching cheek.</p>
<p>"You coming to breakfast Neville?" Harry asked, pausing to look back at the shy young man. Neville grinned and pushed himself off the armchair, easily covering the few steps between them, reminding Harry 'As if I need reminding,' that he was easily the shortest guy in the dormitory. He supposed he owed that partially to his 'irregular' diet at the Dursleys and subsequently the cutting diet Sir had set him on. He swallowed the dry lump in his throat and forced a smile.</p>
<p>"Yeah, let's go," the sweet wizard said, hands stuffed into his pockets and shoulders hunched as if he was aware how much he had grown and disliked taking up more space than he had to. Harry did his best not to be envious and it was much easier when he remembered with a sinking feeling, the state of Neville's parents. With deep sympathy swallowing the premature bud of envy before it could flower, Harry decided that having dead parents was far preferable to having parents suffering in the state that Frank and Alice Longbottom were in. The thought of forever drowning in the dark madness that sometimes threatened to overtake him sent an unsettling shiver chasing up his spine, prickling the fine hairs on the back of his neck.</p>
<p>The boys filed down the stairs, led by their rumbling stomachs and the promise of a hot breakfast. Harry could really use a cup of coffee, snatching a couple of hours at a time was exhausting but it was all he could manage recently. He inhaled purposefully through his nose, glad Ron and Neville were chatting jovially a few steps ahead of him, he let his mind float away from the heavy burden of his aching body and exhaled slowly, pressing his lips almost closed and pushing the air out in a thin fast stream until his lungs were empty. That brief pause and the tiny threatening pressure in his chest soothed him and he was able to dull the ache for a few moments, mind lagging a few steps behind his body.</p>
<p>He was almost to that state where he could just autopilot and pretend that everything was fine. Where he could exist just outside his body and loosely supervise but largely just let his muscle memory and habits take over.</p>
<p>Firm pressure on the back of his neck slammed him fully back to reality and the knife-sharp pain from his ribs blared back to the forefront of his consciousness. His teeth clicked together and he gritted them, just barely able to keep his expression neutral. 'Are you ready to be nice Harry-James,' it floated through his mind mockingly, a sickly tenor. Harry swallowed and then swallowed again, trying desperately to close his mind to that voice.</p>
<p>His eyes darted around surreptitiously, searching for the cause of the interruption and finding only a few straggling students leaning against the corridor near the doors to the great hall and further to his left, Madame Pomfrey chatting with Professor Snape in hushed tones. His hand came up to rub gently at the back of his neck, still feeling the remnants of that firm pressure. It didn't hurt but it was certainly unyielding and he thought he could count the individual fingers if he tried. He didn't.</p>
<p>This was concerning, either the Hogwarts wards were somehow preventing him from using this method to control his own mind or someone knew. But how? He wasn't using magic!</p>
<p>Harry's guts went cold. Someone might know. He wiped his clammy hands on his robes and bit his cheek. He hoped it was just the wards, he would head to the library after breakfast and do some reading to find out exactly what kinds of protections Hogwarts had. With a growing sense of unease Harry followed Ron and Neville into the Great hall. The morning crowd had thinned a bit as they were on the late side. As he caught up with his friends, Harry made sure his expression matched the hunger and amusement on their faces.</p>
<p>"I'd kill for a coffee," he groaned, wholly truthful. He was tired even after getting more sleep than he'd had in a long time, it still wasn't enough for his exhausted body. Truth be told he felt weak and that was a huge issue. He knew for a fact that he couldn't defeat Voldemort with anything but his absolute full strength and even then he wasn't sure he could do it.</p>
<p>"I've already had mine, I couldn't stay awake with Advanced Potions work staring me in the face," Neville responded looking a bit stressed despite the fact that classes hadn't even begun yet. They would start tomorrow and by the looks of things Hermione was already quite pleased with her schedule as she was currently talking at an inhuman speed in Ginny's ear flourishing a piece of parchment. Ginny was nursing a cup of tea and trying her best to look interested and not irritated. She was failing. Harry chuckled.</p>
<p>"Maybe Hermione will tutor you, she seems pleased with her schedule this time," he offered.</p>
<p>"You know, that's not a bad idea, if she is even taking potions this term. She's been talking about joining the ministry and lobbying for the fair treatment of magical creatures. She says it's got to start with changing the name from the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures to the Department of Magical Entity Relations, and honestly she's not wrong. The way they treated Professor Lupin when they found out about his lycanthropy was… well it didn't feel right," Neville said shifting uncomfortably. After the events of their third year, Remus had held on to his position by the grace of Dumbledore's immense sway within the ministry and was under no illusion that it had been anything but that.</p>
<p>Harry had no idea how Dumbledore had convinced Snape to keep his mouth shut about Sirius after all of that but he had and nobody had heard a peep about it from him since. Harry reckoned Dumbledore had convinced Snape of the value of having an animagus gathering intel for the Order whether or not he liked it.</p>
<p>"Well if anyone could do it, it'd be Hermione. She's a force of nature that one," Ron added, beaming at her and hurrying to the seat she had saved him. Neville and Harry followed them albeit less enthusiastically and took their seats across from their friends.</p>
<p>"Morning Harry, I asked around to find some more people to fill out our skirmish but they are from other houses, seems like everyone wants a head start this year. You're the one to beat Harry," Ginny said, eyes lighting up as the conversation turned from Hermione's schedule to quidditch. Harry laughed.</p>
<p>"Shouldn't be that hard, I mean I've tried to eat the snitch, broken my arm, had my broom hexed, almost gotten brained by a bludger. Honestly I've no idea how I've managed," He chuckled dismissively.</p>
<p>"Don't give me that tripe, you're the best seeker we've ever seen. A little competition is healthy and gives us all something to work towards," She said with a scowl. "You know you're good you little shite". Ginny's ears started going pink and her scowl deepened. "We are meeting at noon on the pitch, see you there." she stood and turned, half-jogging to catch up with Luna who, having finished her breakfast, was leaving the great hall at a leisurely pace.</p>
<p>"Well count me in!" bellowed Ron after her. "Really, my own sister and she doesn't think to invite me," Ron muttered, rolling his eyes.</p>
<p>"Is it rude I'm glad she didn't ask me?" Neville asked gently, "I don't need anymore accidents." He added worriedly picking at his eggs.</p>
<p>"Ron, she probably assumed you would go with Harry," Hermione pointed out absently, still highlighting things on her class schedule with her wand happily. Harry craned his neck to see the class list. It was full of things that sounded incredibly complicated and dry like Wizarding Law and Arithmancy but at the bottom was Care of Magical Creatures which he supposed made sense now that he knew her career aspirations.</p>
<p>"Oh you are doing Care of Magical Creatures too?" Harry asked, knowing he was asking for a long-winded, one-sided conversation but neither he nor Ron really minded. He hadn't gotten his schedule approved yet but he knew what he wanted, and needed, to take this term so maybe hearing Hermione talk about her courses might help him fill a few gaps in his own schedule. Hermione's eyes lit up and she dove right in, brandishing a muffin at the paper.</p>
<p>"Oh right, Harry I haven't told you what I want to do after school yet have I? I think I'm going to fight for the rights of Magical Entities, you know it's not just personal discrimination they face but also governmental and if I can't do anything about the individual people then I can at least help push the legislation in the right direction…" Hermione continued this way throughout breakfast, Harry and Ron, both content to let her, wearing near-identical indulgent smiles as she continued passionately.</p>
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